trusting in God

Drippy Romances and Dreams

joyouschild Loving Again, Trusting the Father , ,

I read Christian romances.  There, I said it.  They give me…hope.

Sometimes they give me life lessons as well, all wrapped up in a cover and characters.

Tonight I was reading about a romance and these words skittered from the page into my heart:  ” …but I realize that in the Lord all things are perfected.  So when things aren’t humanly perfect, we can give them to God who’ll make them better.”  (Gail Gaymer Martin, Loving Care, 2004, Steeple Hill Books)

As a wife who had a pretty “perfect” life, I have been afraid of the future.  Afraid of not finding perfection if there is time #2.  Afraid of comparing, of trusting, of losing again, of making a mistake, of so many things.  I trust God, but do I trust me?

I guess the message for me in these lines was that as long as I trust God, and follow Him, I can trust me.  He loves me and my kids more than I love me and my kids.

If there is another real-life romance in my world, I need to remember that it will not be perfect, and neither will the guy.  He can’t be.  But God can and is.

And in His perfection, I can stand.  I can be scared, but can move on, knowing that He’s got it.

As I mentally prepare for my first date in this millennium (some of you are saying, “’bout time!”), I can honestly say that as scared as I am to try, I am equally scared not to.

Praise God that He has got my back…and my heart…for this whole tumultuous ride!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

Out of the Mouths of Babes…

joyouschild Persevering through Pain, The Storms of Life, Trusting the Father ,

I want to dance in the lion’s den!  I want to dance in the lion’s den!  I want to dance in the lion’s den! — Tanner, age 4 1/2, singing at the top of his lungs

It isn’t surprising, really.  I have been studying Daniel in my weekly Bible study.  We had Daniel in our school curriculum.  And the boys have been learning about Daniel in Sunday School.  I am not sure what triggered Tanner’s song, but he was gustily singing it for several minutes.

Because of all this emphasis on Daniel in our house lately, I have been thinking a lot about the lion’s den.

I have often felt like I am there.  Single parenting stinks some days.  Having grief as my companion stinks some days.  Having all the household chores and the running people to and fro from soccer to guitar to AWANA to play dates stinks some days.

But am I in the lions’ den, really?

Daniel, an eighty year old man, was looking into the teeth of lions as he was tossed downward.  He knew if he followed God he was going there — down into a pit full of hungry lions.

Even so, he did not waver in his devotion to God.

Can I say the same about me?

Some days, sure.  I am “in the zone” and can say that God and I could tackle anything life could throw at me.  Bring it on!  My God is bigger!

Some days, not so much.

I am burdened by the things of this life in a way that I don’t want to be — and that God doesn’t want me to be.

How do I let go of that?  How do I stay so focused that I am not scared, even when looking at teeth and claws on the way down?

Lesson from a four-year old:  dance!

Sometimes that means turning on the praise music and actually turning about the room.  The boys are often right there with me, and we sing and twirl and act goofy until we all are breathless and laughing, happy to be serving our God again.

Sometimes it means reading Psalms quietly in my room and dancing in my mind.

Sometimes, I admit, it means picturing myself twirling in Keith’s arms again.  That one usually makes me smile as well, because, as great a guy as he was, the man could not dance.

Sometimes it means putting my feet on my Father’s, holding on tight and dreaming of some day.  When I was a girl, these dances with my earthly dad had me dreaming of being a grown-up lady and dancing with a groom.  Now, I dream of a different Groom, and that dancing will be glorious.

Now the lions don’t look so bad; the drop down the hole does not look so deep.

Not bad theology, kid!  Keep it up!

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. — Hebrews 12:2-3

Good Pictures?!

joyouschild Raising Kids Alone , ,

There are times when the prevailing thought in my head is, “I wish I could talk to Keith about this…..”

When I was having a stressful day with the boys, my 9-1-1 call to him always started, “Do you have good pictures of the children?!”

He would take a few minutes to talk to me, even if things were hairy at work, and would “talk me down.”

Hmmm…in this one, he is making a funny face…Well, he has gotten so much older this one doesn’t really look like him any more…This one is missing the dimple (that would be if it was Matthew)…Well…Hmmm…I think you better keep him alive…I don’t have any good pictures of him.

(Lest you think I was serious, this would be a figurative killing of the child, not literal.)

By the time the conversation was done, I would go from a stressed-out, heavy-breathing mom to a somewhat rational human being again.

But, I don’t have that any more.  I have to deal with my frustration, my anger, my stress…on my own.

Well, not really.

You know what I do now?  I have a similar conversation with God.  Right out loud.  I speak out in frustration, fear, anger, stress, from any and every emotion that I feel.  God is big enough to handle it.  I don’t blame Him (usually)…I just claim the emotions.

You what I have found?  Then I can more easily let them go.  God will respond to me in my spirit similarly to how Keith would have if he was here.

Today, for instance, in talking with God I told Him, “It’s never about me!”  His response?  In my spirit I felt Him say, jokingly, “It’s always about you!  Your worries, your fears, your stresses.”  It was not condemnation that I felt, but love and acceptance of me and confirmation that this is the place He wanted me to go — big picture with the loss of Keith, and smaller picture with these conversations with Him.

And, just like my conversations with Keith, I am back to the somewhat rational human being again.

Only now I have some food for thought about making it all about me….

Flowers and Candy

joyouschild Grace Again and Again, Praising God ,

For those of you who saw my last post, I had been more distant from the Lover of my soul than I had wanted.

I had the opportunity on Sunday to tell some people how much they have meant to me and my family, something as a people I don’t think we do enough of.  I shared how they had blessed us and I think that blessed them as well.

Then my Lover sent flowers and candy to my soul.  My connection with Him deepened in just that moment.  I felt His presence to the point of tears.

Funny how often the fix for me is to look outside myself and do something for someone else!

Here is the prayer that winged its way from my heart onto the page at that moment:

Gracious and awesome Lord – I am humbled by Your love and care for me and my byos.  It brings me to my knees emotionally to think of what good care You take of us.  Even though today, especially, I miss Keith more than ever, I wouldn’t change my life, where we have gone, where we are going, for amything because You are there, there, there!  I can’t imgine my life not being as it is now.  I glory in serving You, in being Your instrument to allow others to step up and help us and therefore bless us and further Your kingdom.  Help me to never, never forget that — or my boys to forget that.  I love You!  Help me to live for You always, always, always! 

I am not Amazing

joyouschild Faithwalk, Grace Again and Again, Griefwork, Trusting the Father , ,

It’s funny.  Since Keith died, I get the comments, “you’re amazing” and “you are so strong” a lot.  It is very sweet of people to say, but inwardly I cannot help but snort.  I am far from amazing, and, some days, I am the antithesis of strong.

Some days, more than I would like to count, my life, my attitude, is much less than amazing.  Some days I scream in frustration at the mess in the house, and the children in my house who made it.  Some days I cry angry tears of over spilled milk and broken light fixtures.  Some days school contains more words spoken in an angry tone than in an uplifting one.  Some days I want to just retreat, curl up in a ball and wait for the day to be over.  That’s reality.

I am not amazing.  I am human.  Sometimes much too much so!  If I have done anything right in this whole journey of grief, if I have any advice to give, it is this:  let God be God.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) may seem trite to some…until you try living that way.

  • Dressing your four young sons for their daddy’s funeral…I can do all things…
  • Continuing to homeschool with no break and no “principal”…I can do all things…
  • Celebrating birthdays and holidays and milestones…I can do all things…
  • Teaching young men to be men of God in the image of their dad and their Father...I can do all things…
I could go on, but the point is this:  I do nothing here, nothing, but surrender.  God has a plan and a purpose and, really, I am along for the ride.  And it will be a wonderful and beautiful and joyous ride as long as I don’t try to take over the driving on my own.  Instead, I wait for directions.  I pray and I pray, and I often fail and make a total mess of things, taking them back from God and trying to do them on my own.  But, I keep trying, and God keeps being gracious.  Praise Him for that.  Hallelujah!
So, my standard answer when someone says I am strong or amazing:  “No, I’m not, but God is!“