There are times when the prevailing thought in my head is, “I wish I could talk to Keith about this…..”
When I was having a stressful day with the boys, my 9-1-1 call to him always started, “Do you have good pictures of the children?!”
He would take a few minutes to talk to me, even if things were hairy at work, and would “talk me down.”
Hmmm…in this one, he is making a funny face…Well, he has gotten so much older this one doesn’t really look like him any more…This one is missing the dimple (that would be if it was Matthew)…Well…Hmmm…I think you better keep him alive…I don’t have any good pictures of him.
(Lest you think I was serious, this would be a figurative killing of the child, not literal.)
By the time the conversation was done, I would go from a stressed-out, heavy-breathing mom to a somewhat rational human being again.
But, I don’t have that any more. I have to deal with my frustration, my anger, my stress…on my own.
Well, not really.
You know what I do now? I have a similar conversation with God. Right out loud. I speak out in frustration, fear, anger, stress, from any and every emotion that I feel. God is big enough to handle it. I don’t blame Him (usually)…I just claim the emotions.
You what I have found? Then I can more easily let them go. God will respond to me in my spirit similarly to how Keith would have if he was here.
Today, for instance, in talking with God I told Him, “It’s never about me!” His response? In my spirit I felt Him say, jokingly, “It’s always about you! Your worries, your fears, your stresses.” It was not condemnation that I felt, but love and acceptance of me and confirmation that this is the place He wanted me to go — big picture with the loss of Keith, and smaller picture with these conversations with Him.
And, just like my conversations with Keith, I am back to the somewhat rational human being again.
Only now I have some food for thought about making it all about me….