I miss the sweetness of a man who loved me just the way I am, warts (and c-section scars) and all!
I know I have the sweetness a Savior who feels that way…He has told me over and over! In the Bible, He calls me beautiful and His bride.
But sometimes, in my human heart, it is hard to believe that. I look in my mirror for answers to the inside of me and fail to find them…I find scars instead…and extra pounds…more grey hair…wrinkles.
It didn’t help when recently my almost-date did not pan out (not my fault…totally his readiness-to-date issues). That “almost” hurts, though, makes me doubt myself, my desirability.
So how do I get back to the truth? How do I stop believing the negative self-talk, the Liar who is speaking to me oh-so-convincingly in my ear?
It becomes a matter of trust.
I believe that God knows what I need better than I do. I believe that He will be my Husband and my Best Friend in ways that even Keith could not. While I cannot physically hug Him, at my darkest points, He sends a physical hug by way of a friend…or a small boy. Praise Him for that!
But in the daily slogging through this life, I can only trust Him at His word…that He is who He says He is, and loves me like He says He loves me.
An old hymn says, “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.”
Did you catch that? I cannot trust anyone else on this earth like I can trust Christ…not even Keith…and he would definitely fall into the “sweetest frame” category.
So…I will continue to look in the mirror, but will try to see Christ’s covering of blood rather than my failings…be they physical, emotional, or spiritual. I will try to see me the way He sees me. I know I will probably fail from time to time…but I know He will not.
It’s like my favorite scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Indy needs to take the leap from the lion’s mouth to find the grail. He realizes that this is the ultimate test of faith, and prepares himself prior to the leap. It works out for him…and a bridge appears out of nowhere to catch him and take him across to the grail.
My ultimate test of faith came nearly 5 years ago with the words, “Mrs. Wright, I’m afraid he didn’t make it.”
I choose now what I chose on that day. No matter what, my hope is in the Lord. He has never let me down…and He never will. That is my grail.
And, even on the tough days, that knowledge is enough.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. – Psalm 27:13-14