Author: joyouschild

Confessions of a Possible Hoarder

joyouschild Doing it on My Own, Joy in the Journey, On the Inside , ,

I just felt the need to clean out my makeup case.

Never mind that we have to leave the house in half an hour.

(And if you are reading this post and wondering what possible purpose there is in blogging right now, I am wondering the same thing…but the words came, so here you go.)

As my sister would say, “Go with the urge.”

We grew up in a family whose love language was gifts.

Okay, my mom was probably a hoarder.  My sister is now saying, “No maybe about it.”

Therefore, whenever I feel the need to purge, she is right there with me, encouraging me.

When she purges, she brings it to my house, but that’s a story for another time.

As I sit here scraping years of makeup gunk from the bottom of the storage box I have (for those who know me, you are correct in assuming that the box is rather large–I am not a lipstick chicken!), I wonder at scraping the gunk from my soul.

Do I purge there when I need to?

I just tossed dibs and dabs of my favorite eye makeup of yesteryear.  Do I take stock of where I am in my spiritual walk and throw away the old dibs and dabs of self-doubt that I used to enjoy clinging to?

I threw away the eye liners that were so short they could not even be sharpened again.  Do I toss out pieces of me that are ineffective and not as spiritually sharp as they should be?

I let go of mascara that is so old they no longer make it.  Do I let go of old hurts and habits in favor of new and more soul-pleasing ones?

I hope so.

I hope I can make changes in me that will not leave me with a gunky mess at the bottom of my soul.  I hope I can start fresh and clean, leaving the guilt and pain of the past, the bad habits and sinful ways.

I get a sense of accomplishment and maybe even a little joy when I get cleaning jobs done.  I pray that I feel the same with my eternal cleaning plan–now and always.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here!– 2 Corinthians 5:17

Gifts of Mercy(Me)

joyouschild Griefwork, Joy in the Journey ,

I don’t know how they do it, but the guys who write for MercyMe must be looking into my life.

If you are unfamiliar with this Christian band, they have beautiful, soulful lyrics which have touched me deeply on this journey.

When Keith died, we did a slide show for the funeral.  The sweet friend who compiled it used two MercyMe songs in the background.  These two songs epitomize the way I feel about not only Keith’s graduation to Glory but also how I feel about being left here.  We think about Heaven and talk about Heaven, but now half of me (often I think the better half of me) is there experiencing it.  It takes a lot of the mystery and inevitable fear of the journey not yet taken away from that place for me…and for the boys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ywDqzvKvvI (Homesick)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_lrrq_opng ( I Can Only Imagine)

As I continued on this journey of widowhood and single parenthood, another MercyMe song deeply touched me.  In the busy-ness of my life, I found little time to just be…to be a daughter of the King, blessed and highly favored.  The words of this song I have played nearly weekly since it came out to recapture my lost self, my inner beauty, and my joy at being who I am in Christ.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vh7-RSPuAA (Beautiful)

This is not a journey for the faint-at-heart, but it is a journey that, by the awesome and all-encompassing grace of our Lord, is very do-able.  I cling to the good that has happened in my life–the joys that have been brought to us by the fact that we have had the opportunity to be cradled in the lap of the Lord and washed by His healing hands as we journey this road.  To Him be the glory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU (Bring the Rain)

And even today, may we never fail to help others find the joy we have found.  May we help them on their own journeys as well so that they can experience His healing touch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xzaivDbu9c  (The Hurt and the Healer)

Amen and amen!

I am a Four-Eyed Freak

joyouschild Griefwork, Widow Walk , ,

Now I don’t just have two eyes, Mom…I have FOUR!  I can see even better!

Ah, the perspective of a child!

Matthew had just gotten his first pair of glasses and this momma was worried.  How would he adjust to them?  Would he feel…different?

I needn’t have worried.  He did feel different…and he was…glad.

When I found out we had lost Keith, the first words out of my mouth were, quite literally, “I’m a widow.”

The reality of that did not hit me at that moment.  Well, maybe on some levels.  But not as fully as it later did.

Now, nearly five years later, I can truly tell you that I am…glad.

I know that sounds odd.  How can having your heart ripped out, your life ripped apart, be something that makes you glad?

Ah, my friends, therein lies the mystery of God.

Today a dear friend of mine prayed for me as we were ending a play date…”Lord, help her to feel You as her Husband, first and foremost, above all others, all she needs.”

Mostly I feel that–feel God as my Husband.  Mostly I count my blessings more than my stresses, my joys more than my sorrows.

If you know me, you know me to be a glass-is-half-full kinda gal.

Thank God I am!

But it is a choice, one I have to make on a daily basis, sometimes a minute-by-minute basis.

Like my sweet Matthew, I choose to look at my lot in life as a gift and not a stress, a way to help me see better…

To see my Lord!

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. – 2 Corinthians 2:17-18

Smack Between the Eyes

joyouschild Griefwork, Trusting the Father, Widow Walk ,

Not everyone is going to do a job the same as everyone else.  I got that reminder big-time this past week.

I was watching someone work.  She does things much differently than I do.  Not incorrectly, but certainly differently.

As I was watching, another friend came up and commented on how he appreciated what she does.

I gotta say it.  Inwardly, I snorted.  Self-righteous little piglet that I am.

Then I got to thinking.

How often on this journey of grief have people snorted at me!

Stop homeschooling – you need more time to yourself!

Not dating yet?

You gotta take care of that right away!

You should…_________!  (fill in the blank)

With prayerful consideration, I am doing things the way I feel I should be.  Well-meaning though others may be, sometimes they cross the line, in my opinion.

I don’t think they mean to hurt me or doubt my abilities…but sometimes that is just how it comes across.

Here comes the 2×4…I have done the same thing.

Shame on me!

Forgive me, Lord, for not trusting that You have given people certain jobs and certain circumstances to have their unique flair put into the work.  Forgive me, Lord, for looking down my nose at them.  Help me extend to them the grace that I expect to be extended to me.

And…forgive me, friend, for doubting you and not accepting your way of doing things.

I always thank my God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. For in Him you have been enriched in every way—with all kinds of speech and with all knowledge — God thus confirming our testimony about Christ among you. – 1 Corinthians 1:4-5

Manna to this Momma

joyouschild Faith Community, Raising Kids Alone, Widow Walk , ,

God’s got it.  I know that.  He has shown in so many ways, and in so many instances!  I have faith in Him.

But sometimes in my heart of hearts, I wonder how He will work it out.

Today, I got a bit of an answer.

My dear friend Lorie had my little two over to play at her house with her youngest.  They were playing Playmobil and had invented a game with families.  Jackson was the dad, and Lorie started listening.  Did he get it?  Did he understand the dad role?

Praise God, he did!  She said he was the proper mix of kind and strong and firm and loving.  He gets being a dad, even though he was 2 1/2 when his dad died.

Now, I will take very little credit for how he learned the dad role.  I certainly don’t act the part “dad” but stick to “mom.”  It would not be a real representation of dads anyway, nor of moms.

My oldest steps up and acts the dad a bit, being a very loving big brother, especially with the little two.

I think, though, mostly Jackson has seen it modeled around him, and for that I am so grateful.  Men at church have taken all the boys under their wing and modeled Biblical manhood for them.  Neighbors and friends have allowed them to help them build things, fix things, take care of the house.  They have talked endlessly about sports and guns and “guy stuff.”  They are crucial to me surviving as a single mom.

Even in a world where dads are often ridiculed as dumb, unnecessary, or irrelevant (look at most TV dads), the men around us are coming out of their comfort zones and away from their own busy home life to work with my boys.  My guys are getting what they need to be dads themselves some day.  The gap is being filled.

God’s got it, and I don’t have to worry.

And that is certainly manna to this momma’s heart.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.– Ephesians 3:20-21

The T-Shirts We Wear

joyouschild Persevering through Pain, Raising Kids Alone, Trusting the Father, Widow Walk , ,

Americans surely have a love affair with their t-shirts.

They express loyalty:  to sports teams, universities, and causes.  They express belonging:  to families (and reunions), a variety of special interests, and teams.  They express fondness and memories:  to old TV characters, favorite sayings and scriptures, and trips taken.

In my house, we have a plethora of t-shirts that show all the different rec teams my guys have been on.  The standard souvenir when we have been on a trip is a t-shirt.  All the boys have t-shirts with my alma mater (Go Hokies!).  We also have a variety of t-shirts for the Nationals, Yankees, Giants, and Colts.

I had a conversation this morning with a dear friend about the t-shirts we should wear.

You see, she has had hard stuff in her life, too.  She lives with cancer, and has for more than 14 years.  She is doing well, the doctors say.  She is a survivor.  And I think she is amazing.

But she shared with me that sometimes she would like to have a bio to pass out, rather than to retell the story.  She would rather not deal with the pity — or the label.  She would rather wear the t-shirt I Have Cancer, But I’m Still Here than to go through the whole, drawn-out explanation.

I get that.  Some days I am ready to share my life and my story; some days I am not.

Some days, I see myself wearing a t-shirt that says Widow with Four Children – Don’t Judge Me, Just Love Me.  That way, I don’t have to go through the story or the pity, either.  And I might not have to explain being a little…off.

Other days, I am more ready to wear a t-shirt that says Ask Me My Story…See God in Action!  Or, I’m Not Superwoman, But My God Is Superman!  I am ready and eager to share what God has done and is doing in my life and the lives of my kids.

I guess my point is this:  I am more than the label, more than the momentary t-shirt I wear.  In my humanness I often miss the mark of representing Who I love the most.  And I need to ask Him to forgive me for that.

I have the opportunity–and the responsibility, I believe–to rise beyond my circumstances and be a living example of my God.  I am the sum total of all I have been through and all I will go through, but, most importantly, how I have responded to these things.

And as such, the t-shirt I strive to wear is this:  God’s Child, Wholly and Completely!

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be My witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. – Acts 1:8

Waste Not, Want Not

joyouschild Griefwork, Persevering through Pain, The Power of the Witness, The Storms of Life , ,

How many of us have heard that old analogy?  Waste not, want not.

I know my mom used to quote it to me regularly in relation to the food on my plate.

But do we think of this analogy in relation to our spiritual life…to our pain and sorrow?

When Keith died there was, obviously, pain — pain galore.  Deep, abiding pain, that put a pall on everything for a time.

But God is not a God of waste.  In His economy, it is ALL for good, it is ALL usable, it is ALL glorious.

Waste not, want not.

You only have to look at the way the world works together to see that this is true.

Forest fires cause destruction, but also allow for elements to be added to the soil, and for the undergrowth to see the light of day.

Should it be any wonder to us that our grief is the same?

In the greater community, I am able to be an example, a light, a hand to reach out to another — if I take up the challenge that is before me.  I am able to use the lessons learned to show my children, my friends, and others around me the power and awesomeness of our Lord.

Waste not, want not.

Also implied in this statement is that if we waste what we have been given, we will be wanting.

If I had curled in a corner when Keith died and stayed there, I would have missed so much along the way.

Closer relationships, including with God Himself.  Revival in our hearts and in our church.  Beauty out of the ashes.  All precious, precious gifts!

And so, for as much as it hurts, I would not have traded this journey for the world.  Even if I could have Keith back.

Waste not, want not.

Amen and amen! 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. – Romans 8:28

It’s Not in the Owner’s Manual…or is it?

joyouschild Persevering through Pain, Trusting the Father , ,

So what I thought on my car was no big deal is really a need for a MAJOR REPAIR or…(gulp!)…a NEW CAR.  Sigh.

Blessedly, this is not a right away need, but a near future need.  So I have time…to think.  Thank the Lord, because something like this takes time for me.  What I know about cars could fit on their dipstick and still register as add oil (total pun intended, since that is where my car problem lies).  This puts me at a definite disadvantage when stuff like this happens.

I have to take it slow to figure out what to do, to make the right decision.  I have already asked the advice of a couple of my “car guy” friends and plan to ask a couple more.  Thank God for Steve and Craig and Diana’s brother and Billy and George!  I have researched on the internet this problem with my car and found out what others have done and what it cost.  Beyond that, I am praying…and praying…and praying.

This kind of stuff is not in a manual…and I think it is natural to fear making a mistake.  There is no definite answer, but various opinions.  Fix or cut my losses and run?  Keep the big gas guzzler or downsize a bit?  Buy new or buy used?

And in my prayers so far I have come to one definite conclusion:

God’s got it.

And…maybe the answer is in the BIG Manual–His Holy Word.

In it, I have learned a lot that can apply:

Rather than lament that Keith is not here…
Remember that I have a Counselor even wiser (John 14:16-17).

Rather than worry about the skills that I don’t have…
Remember that other members of the body have other skills which they are graciously sharing with me (1 Corinthians 12).

Rather than bemoan my having to handle this on my own…
Remember that God has a special providence for widows (Exodus 22:22).

Rather than stress and worry…
Remember that God has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) and His admonitions on worrying (Matthew 6:25-34).

In Him and because of Him, I can get through everything…not just car stresses.

But I could use a few prayers from you all as well.  😉

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

Holes or Holy?

joyouschild Faith Community, Raising Kids Alone , ,

My dad used to tell this old joke:  You know why I am saving these socks for Sunday?  They are hole-y!

(Bad puns run in our family.)

That seems to be the way my life goes, though.

I have been blessed with the task of raising four boys to become young men after God’s own heart (I pray).  That is a daunting task under the best of circumstances.  Add widowhood into the mix, and the task could seem insurmountable.

I could focus on this great big hole in my life.  I miss Keith terribly.  Some days it is incredibly hard.  But…

We have a God who takes holes and makes them holy.

Today alone, I have had four men — yes, four — offer to take my guys places, do things with them, speak into their lives on how to be men for God.  God be praised!

These men are working to patch the holes left by Keith’s early graduation to glory, making them holy instead–God’s work, helping my boys become God’s young men.

And that is glorious.

 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. — 1 Peter 1:3

Applying Lessons Learned, or God Uses Tape

joyouschild Griefwork, Trusting the Father, Widow Walk , ,

One of Keith’s favorite stories about me goes as follows:

I was home visiting my family.  On the day I was leaving, Mom and I decided to go shopping.  We got to the mall and as we got out of the car, I heard a telltale hissing sound from my right rear tire.  After examination, we determined that the hissing was coming right from the tire stem.

My first reaction:  I prayed.  Surely God could handle this tire.  Then, rather than go to a service station, I searched around in the stuff in my car and pulled out a roll of cellophane tape.  I wrapped that cellophane tape around the tire stem and headed into the mall with Mom.  Problem solved.

 We then went on with our shopping trip, coming out every hour or so to check on the tire.  It was holding fast; no hiss.

After we finished shopping, I took Mom back home, kissed her goodbye and hopped in my car.  After another quick prayer, I was off on the 6-hour drive back to my apartment.

The first time I shared this story with Keith, he stared at me, open-mouthed, with that look that only a man can give a woman–that whatever-possessed-you-to-think-that-was-a-good-idea look.  (By the way, I now sometimes see that look from our oldest man cub…outstanding.)

My response?  What?  I prayed.

For those of you in suspense, I did make it home without a hitch and never had a problem with that tire again.

And for me, that is the point.

God had it.  I prayed and trusted, and He came through.

Now, do I recommend tape (of any sort) as a replacement for good car care?  Not at all.  Do I recommend putting the Lord on the spot to take care of our silly moves when we should have made a better choice?  No way.

But, to me, this event was a precursor to how I need to live my life.  Sometimes I gotta just pray and go.

I have had a lot of pray-and-go moments in this grief journey.

I do not always make the wisest choice.  I do not always think things through as I should. But often my choice is this:  be paralyzed by fear, to the detriment of everybody, or make a choice, pray, and go.

Because He has always, always, always been there, even in something small like tape on a tire, I have the courage to pray and go.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.– Romans 8:28