Joy in the Journey

"Love you, too!"

joyouschild Faithwalk, Joy in the Journey, Trusting the Father

I never realized how much I would miss saying, “I love you.”

Sure, I still say it to my kids and my parents.  (Well, I text it to my teenager – he seems to like it better in that form.)

But the person I said it to most was Keith.

We would say it at least once in every conversation.

We were actually quite silly about it, now that I look back on it.

Our conversations went like this:  I love you.  You.  You.  You.  You.  You…..You…..You…………You……………You…………………You.…………………You.

Now I have to content myself with new ways to say “I love you”….and to receive them.

My sweet friend Tammy is big about saying it.  Many conversations we have, she ends with “love you.”  I respond back, “love you, too.”

And I do love her.  She is a good friend and a good neighbor.  She is a blessing in my life.  I am happy that she tells me that she loves me, and I am happy to tell her.

It is a word we don’t use enough in general language.  Oh sure, we use it for TV shows, coffee, new clothes…but that is not where it is really appropriate (well, maybe for coffee…nah, not even coffee).

But do we use it to tell those in our lives who mean a lot to us how we feel?  That we get that they are a gift from God and that we appreciate that gift?

So…I am freer now with the I-love-you’s.  I tell all my friends and family that I love them.  (If I haven’t gotten to you yet, know it’s coming!)  I end emails and texts with “love you” or “luv ya” or xoxoxoxo — or all of it!

Time is short.  I don’t know how many opportunities I will still have to say “I love you.”  Things can change in an instant.  So my view is say it often, say it with truth and meaning, make it count.  You don’t know how much someone needs to hear it.

I know I need to hear it.

And God knows that, too.  He tells me a million times in a million ways that He loves me.  My soul hears the words and glories in them.

– The sun is shining gloriously today.  God saying, “I love you!”

– My children are healthy, happy, and well fed.  God saying, “I love you!”

– We have had a good first week of school.  God saying, “I love you!”

– My seven-year old is making connections in Bible learning that are amazing.  God saying, “I love you!”

On and on, over and over, His love shines in all I do, all I see, all I can be.
 
I  bask in His grace!  Little ole sinful me is loved by the God of the universe!  Mind-blowing, when you think about it.

And I love Him, too.  May I always express to my Lord just how much He means to me — in all that I am and all that I do!

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever. – Psalm 52:8
 

Of MRIs and Blessings

joyouschild Joy in the Journey, Widow Walk , ,

Yesterday I had the opportunity–and blessing–to help a fellow widow.  I sat with her pretty little daughter while she had an MRI on her knee (poor thing).

When the nurse brought her back out, she asked my dear friend Friday if she needed help getting back out to the car.

Friday said, “No, my friend is here with my daughter.”

It warmed my heart.

First of all, I was that widow with young ones who needed this sort of help not that long ago.  I needed people to stay with the boys for the doctors’ appointments, the social events, and the Christmas shopping.  I had so many people bless me, and it was a privilege to serve another as I had been served.

I also couldn’t help but be blessed that we are friends in the first place.

We probably would not have met this side of Heaven, had we not both been on this journey in life.

We call our widows/widowers ministry Travelers on a Different Journey.  It is not a journey we would have volunteered for, by any means.

But God, in His infinite wisdom and supreme grace, has allowed us to journey this path together.

It means more than I can tell you to have so many friends who “get it.”

Don’t get me wrong…all of my friends have been wonderfully supportive over the past nearly-five years.  And they have walked this strange, long, twisting journey with me, involving themselves in my pain.

But I am not always sure they get my joy.

Sometimes I see in their eyes an accounting of the cost of my new joys…things that would not have happened but for the loss of Keith…and they don’t really see how that adds up to joy.

But my Travelers friends do.  Life takes on a new intensity after tragedy, and maybe especially after this tragedy.  Half of me has been ripped away, but yet I continue…not just to survive, but to…thrive.

When I watched Oscar Pistorius run in the Olympics a few weeks ago, I saw joy.  I saw a man taking what life had given him and using that very thing to catapult him forward…quite literally.

I cried, not only because he did well, and that was amazing, but also because of the look on his face.  I could identify with the intensity I saw there…intensity for his running, not as a man with no legs…but as a man with a dream.  He found joy in his journey.

And in this life, I am finding mine.  Moment by moment.  Through trials.  Because of trials.

Praise God!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4

Confessions of a Possible Hoarder

joyouschild Doing it on My Own, Joy in the Journey, On the Inside , ,

I just felt the need to clean out my makeup case.

Never mind that we have to leave the house in half an hour.

(And if you are reading this post and wondering what possible purpose there is in blogging right now, I am wondering the same thing…but the words came, so here you go.)

As my sister would say, “Go with the urge.”

We grew up in a family whose love language was gifts.

Okay, my mom was probably a hoarder.  My sister is now saying, “No maybe about it.”

Therefore, whenever I feel the need to purge, she is right there with me, encouraging me.

When she purges, she brings it to my house, but that’s a story for another time.

As I sit here scraping years of makeup gunk from the bottom of the storage box I have (for those who know me, you are correct in assuming that the box is rather large–I am not a lipstick chicken!), I wonder at scraping the gunk from my soul.

Do I purge there when I need to?

I just tossed dibs and dabs of my favorite eye makeup of yesteryear.  Do I take stock of where I am in my spiritual walk and throw away the old dibs and dabs of self-doubt that I used to enjoy clinging to?

I threw away the eye liners that were so short they could not even be sharpened again.  Do I toss out pieces of me that are ineffective and not as spiritually sharp as they should be?

I let go of mascara that is so old they no longer make it.  Do I let go of old hurts and habits in favor of new and more soul-pleasing ones?

I hope so.

I hope I can make changes in me that will not leave me with a gunky mess at the bottom of my soul.  I hope I can start fresh and clean, leaving the guilt and pain of the past, the bad habits and sinful ways.

I get a sense of accomplishment and maybe even a little joy when I get cleaning jobs done.  I pray that I feel the same with my eternal cleaning plan–now and always.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here!– 2 Corinthians 5:17

Gifts of Mercy(Me)

joyouschild Griefwork, Joy in the Journey ,

I don’t know how they do it, but the guys who write for MercyMe must be looking into my life.

If you are unfamiliar with this Christian band, they have beautiful, soulful lyrics which have touched me deeply on this journey.

When Keith died, we did a slide show for the funeral.  The sweet friend who compiled it used two MercyMe songs in the background.  These two songs epitomize the way I feel about not only Keith’s graduation to Glory but also how I feel about being left here.  We think about Heaven and talk about Heaven, but now half of me (often I think the better half of me) is there experiencing it.  It takes a lot of the mystery and inevitable fear of the journey not yet taken away from that place for me…and for the boys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ywDqzvKvvI (Homesick)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_lrrq_opng ( I Can Only Imagine)

As I continued on this journey of widowhood and single parenthood, another MercyMe song deeply touched me.  In the busy-ness of my life, I found little time to just be…to be a daughter of the King, blessed and highly favored.  The words of this song I have played nearly weekly since it came out to recapture my lost self, my inner beauty, and my joy at being who I am in Christ.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vh7-RSPuAA (Beautiful)

This is not a journey for the faint-at-heart, but it is a journey that, by the awesome and all-encompassing grace of our Lord, is very do-able.  I cling to the good that has happened in my life–the joys that have been brought to us by the fact that we have had the opportunity to be cradled in the lap of the Lord and washed by His healing hands as we journey this road.  To Him be the glory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU (Bring the Rain)

And even today, may we never fail to help others find the joy we have found.  May we help them on their own journeys as well so that they can experience His healing touch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xzaivDbu9c  (The Hurt and the Healer)

Amen and amen!

Of Puzzle Pieces and Memories

joyouschild Faith Community, Joy in the Journey, The Power of the Witness, Widow Walk , ,

A few weeks before Keith died, our preacher, Mike, preached a sermon involving puzzle pieces and wholeness in the body of Christ.  It touched Keith deeply.  He set his puzzle piece on the makeshift desk he had on the main floor.  It was constantly in view during the last weeks of his life.

We buried that puzzle piece in the time capsule we created for him.

I have thought of that puzzle piece often over the past 4 1/2 years, nearly every time I find a stray piece around the house.  Keith still thought of himself as a viable piece of the body, even as an ill man, weak and at home.  And he was.

Even in death, my faithful husband was, and is, a piece of the puzzle.  There are still the fingerprints of his work at our church, and at his office.  And definitely here at home, in us.  I am a better mother, daughter, and child of God from having been married to this Godly man.

Since Keith’s passing I have often thought of my own contribution as a puzzle piece.  How do I “fit” now that he is not here?  My puzzle is jumbled and I can’t seem to find where the edges meet.

I don’t fit as a wife any more.
Yet I am an important part of the puzzle.
I don’t fit in the couples’ gatherings any more.
Yet I am an important piece in the puzzle.
I don’t fit with the women talking about the husbands (or complaining about them).
Yet I am an important part of the puzzle.
I don’t fit in at boy scout meetings or with the soccer coaches.
Yet I am an important part of the puzzle.

When doing a large puzzle, if I have trouble finding where a piece goes, I try turning it, looking in a new section of the puzzle.  That is what I need to do with this new life.  I may not fit in the old places where the puzzle piece went, but I need to find new ones.

And the cool thing is that the Master of the Puzzle will give me insight as to where that is.

Here is the lesson I take from Keith’s life:  puzzle pieces have a purpose, they complete things.  If I neglect to add my piece to the puzzle, it is incomplete, not what it was intended to be.

I can’t help but think of my own contribution as a puzzle piece.  Can God’s fingerprints be seen as clearly on me?  I pray so!

I also think about the Puzzle Piece of Eternity, our Risen Lord.

By His death, we are healed.  By His stripes, we can forgo ours.  By His love, we have eternity waiting.  Praise Him for His indescribable gift!

Best of Books

joyouschild Joy in the Journey, Persevering through Pain , ,

One of the best books my boys read in Kindergarten is The Family Under the Bridge by Natalie Savage Carlson.  The lessons in it are not just for them.

In the book, the old tramp (a homeless person of yesteryear), Armand Pouly, enjoyed sitting outside the restaurants of Paris in the evening, dining on the odors coming from inside them.  He had quite a routine, and could almost, almost, feel like he was inside dining in reality.  He would even wipe his face when he completed his “meal.”

Through the course of the book, however, he realized that rather than merely dining of the memories of meals, he needed to get out and work so that he can have the real thing.  This realization came when he began to care about the young Calcett family.

There are times when I merely “dine” on my memories.  I remember what it was like to be married, what Keith looked like, felt like, smelled like, sounded like.  These are pleasant memories.  I had a wonderful husband, and I miss him.

Then, like Armand, I realize that I cannot dine on the memories forever.  I am in the land of the living.  I am not done with my jobs here.  I must care and I must raise my family and I must carry on, not just for Keith’s sake, or the boys’, but for my own.

I want to jump into my new life with both feet, eyes wide open, and dine on each and every moment as it happens.  I don’t want to be on the sidelines, waiting for life to happen, enjoying simulations of happiness; I want to feel the real thing, and I won’t unless I am willing to dine on the life I have been given.

God doesn’t always give us what we want, but He ALWAYS gives us what we need…HIM!

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10 B

God in the Details

joyouschild Joy in the Journey ,

My oldest, Alex, can usually be found in a Christian t-shirt and jeans.  On Christmas Day, he had just gotten new shirt (black, with a guitar on it and scripture) and was sporting it with his new jeans.

Being the helpful kid that he is, he was loading the dishwasher for me as I rushed busily around the kitchen preparing for company.  As he was filling the well with dishwasher detergent, however, I cringed.  I had forgotten to warn him about the dangers of the bleach in the dishwasher soap.  Before I could stop him, he swiped the excess detergent down both his shirt and pants.

I  hustled him upstairs to change, hoping to avoid the bleach spots which I knew would end up on the shirt (I have several such shirts myself).  I hoped that maybe washing the shirt and pants right away might take the bleach out before it could do any damage,  Needless to say, Alex was bummed.

Later in the day, I moved the clothes to the dryer and discovered that, indeed, there were bleach spots on both the shirt and pants.

Here’s where God came in.  When I pulled the clothes out of the dryer…THERE WERE NO BLEACH SPOTS ON THEM.  No kidding.  The spots I had seen with my own eyes were gone!

Why did God, in His infinite wisdom, choose to remove the spots from the jeans and shirt?

It could have been because of the money I would have to spend to replace them.  It could have been because He likes to see Alex in a Christian t-shirt, proclaiming His name.

I think there might be another reason.  This incident is an excellent example to me, and to Alex, of just how much God is in the details.  It is an example of His extravagant love for us played out in a shirt and pair of pants.  Any time he wears the shirt, Alex will think of God’s infinite care and love for us, and so will I.

I hope you do, too.

“And even the very hairs on your head are numbered.”  -Matthew 10:30

Joy as a Verb

joyouschild Faithwalk, Joy in the Journey, Praising God ,

“Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.” – Habakkuk 3:18 KJV (emphasis mine)

I have always thought of joy as a thing, something to possess.  It is storing memories and moments in the scrapbook of your heart.  It is that rope you cling to when you are at the end of yours.  It is something beautiful and precious, but almost something past.  When Keith died, we still found lots of joy.  It was present in the care of our Savior, the love of our friends and family, and the remembering of the life of a godly man.  This joy was good and right and real.

This passage talks of another kind of joy, though.

I have this print by the artist Michael Podesta in my living room:

414

http://www.michaelpodesta.com/images/products/417.jpg

This is joy…the word made into action…dancing!

This is how I want to live – with joy as a lifestyle – embracing whatever comes my way.  I want to recognize that the Father planned my days, or at least allowed them to play out as they have, and that regardless of the outcome, it is for God’s glory.  I want to dance in the rain and in the pain, to see beauty around me even in the midst of the hard and ugly!

The verse our family has relied on through Keith’s death and other stresses has always been Jeremiah 29:11:  ” ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord.  ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ”  This verse has given us a lot of comfort, but I would submit that it speaks of the first kind of joy, resting joy.

If you read just a bit farther, though, to the end of the verse, I think you get at this dancing joy:  “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.” (verse 13)

So, I’m going to work at joying my way through 2012 — seeking God in all the moments, good and bad, and dancing to His tune as I go!