Faithwalk

The Heat is On!

joyouschild Faithwalk, Joy in the Journey

Well, the dryer is fixed.  New heat element.  New lease on life for it.  Praise God!

As I climb out from under the mountain of clothes (well, not too much of a mountain due to my creative drying around my room), I realize the dryer is drying…better than I remember it!  Clothes are done faster!  (Yes, now the mountain is on my bed to fold.)

Turns out, the lint had been slowly building up, clogging the outtake shoot…and slowly sucking the life and power out of the dryer.  Perhaps that is what caused the overworked heat element to break, perhaps not.  Regardless, it was a problem that needed a solution.

Aren’t I just like my dryer?

I allow the little things to build up, slowly sucking away my energy…and my joy.

Messy rooms and returning phone calls and dishes in the sink and doctors’ appointments and torn pants and shoes ruined and poor math grades and dirty car seats and mouthy boys and uncleaned plates at dinner and jeans outgrown and broken toes and too much TV and soccer practice.

I could go on…and on…and on.  Life is full of little pieces that can easily become annoyances.

And…I must admit, sometimes I let them get to me.  I juggle and juggle my to-do schedule, but find that I just cannot get it all done.  And that makes me grumpy.

Sometimes I can just clean out the lint trap of my mind, scrapping the negative thoughts and grumpiness and moving on.  Sometimes, however, I need to try something new!

Maybe I need a new Bible reading plan or devotion book.  Maybe I need a quiet coffee with a dear girlfriend to put things back in perspective and give me some relaxing laughs for a bit.  Maybe I need my journal and quiet time with the Lord.  Maybe I need a weekend retreat away from the kids and the stresses of single parenting.

Thankfully, I have a loving Savior who will allow my clogs to become known to me…through friends, devotions I have read, or the buzzing in my soul, indicating the load is unbalanced and needs to be reseated before I can continue.

And after I have reset myself and my attitude, I can better appreciate all that I have and all that I am in Christ (by His strength and not my own), and can continue to roll.

And I am made as new as my dryer, ready to (hopefully) do it better!

“…He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” – Revelation 21:4-5

PM

joyouschild Faithwalk, Priorities

4:19 a.m.

In my dream, I hear a coach’s whistle.

I open my eyes to the reality.   

Chirp!

Smoke detector low battery indicator.

Why don’t these things ever happen during the daytime?!

I find the offending detector, and even more amazing, a replacement 9V battery.  Without raiding a remote control airplane or the like.

I wake up my teenager (of course, it is one of the detectors on the 9 foot ceiling, beyond this momma’s reach), and he stumbles down to replace it, not grumbling too much.

4:26 a.m.  Done.

Crisis averted.  No alarms will start going off, waking the house and perhaps the neighborhood.  (Been there, done that, don’t want to do that again…but that’s another story).

Some days, I feel like all I ever do is put out fires (no pun intended…well, maybe there was).  Something is breaking, something necessary has run out, someone hurts themselves.  I feel like I should buy stock in Calgon, because those “take me away” moments happen so frequently.

As the frustration mounts, some days I boil over.  I let loose the frustration at all the little things color my world, affecting the big things…like my kids.

It is wrong; it is sin.

Right after Keith died, one of the dear men he worked with came over and changed all my smoke detector batteries.  That was the way he wanted to honor his friend and our family.  It was very sweet.

He told me at the time to mark the day on the calendar so that next year I would know what day to replace the batteries.  I gave him lip service, saying I would…but I did not.

Since then, I have had to replace most of the batteries in the same way as described above…waiting for the chirping, then rushing around finding a battery just in time to avert the entire electrically-tied system going off.

Preventative maintenance.  PM, my Marine husband called it.  Necessary in my house.

And necessary for my soul.

When I get to the explosion point over dirty socks, dirty dishes, dirty dogs, the problem is not with them…it is with me.

Have I read my Bible enough?  Have I spent enough quiet time with the Lord?  Have I counted my blessings?

These troubles are going to come.  My life is still going to be my life, filled with many bumps in the road, many distractions, much to do.

It is my attitude toward it that can…and must…change.

And, with the Lord’s help, and plenty of PM, it will.

[Jesus said,] “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

The End of the Story

joyouschild Faithwalk, Grace Again and Again

My almost-8-year-old is a read-the-last-page-of-the-story guy.  I am not quite sure how it happened.  To my way of thinking, that is just wrong.

Except…

Sometimes I peek…not to read the whole page, but just to see if a certain name is mentioned, so I know if that character makes it through whatever their trial is.

Don’t you wish you could do that with the story of your life?  Just take a quick peek to see how things work out?

God has His reasons, I know, for not telling us the end of the story here on earth.  And now I think I know why…or at least have a better understand.

I am a talker.  (You may be surprised at that…not.)  Sometimes, in order to work things out, I like to talk them through out loud.  I used to do it to Keith all the time.

After Keith died, I would still have these out-loud conversations, using the boys as a sounding board in the same way.

But it did not have quite the same results.

I would talk through out loud the planning for a particular day:  Maybe we will get up and run the errands, and then stop for lunch on the way home, and then start school…

The only problem was that the boys would get focused on the wrong part of the story:  Going out to lunch?! We’re going out to lunch?! Yay! Where are we going? Can we go to _____? (Insert boys who are now debating–loudly–the place we are going to for lunch.)

The boys would get totally focused on the wrong part of the story.  They took what was a maybe, a possible plan, and made it into reality–and started putting their own caveats into it.

Maybe that is why God does not give us–does not give me–that peek at the rest of the story.

I would get focused on the things ahead, and not take into consideration the things of now. We are here for a purpose, and if I get caught up in the future too much, then I am not in my present, doing what I need to be doing in my present, putting my own spin on a future that may or may not be in my best interest…instead of trusting a Plan that is perfect.

So…I resolve to work through every page of my life…as it comes…and not worry about the ones that are too far ahead for me to see.  I will get there eventually…in God’s good time, and with His good grace.

And if not…if His plan is not for me to walk the pages here on earth…then I get to the ultimate last page…eternal life with Him in Heaven.

I have already been told how the Big Story ends.

Amen and amen!

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. – Ephesians 2:10 (NASB)

Swamped with Stuff

joyouschild Faithwalk

This weekend, we have slated to clean out the storage room in the basement.  More cheers from the boys about this task (well, really, not so much).  It needs to be done, though.

We have a lot of room for storage in our house.  That is both good and bad.  I have been able to, at the boys’ request, keep all Keith’s clothes until they get older and can wear them.  I can also store the myriad of things needed to homeschool…tubs and tubs of books.  I also have my own little consignment shop of the hand-me-downs, ready and waiting as each boy grows.  Great blessings, all of those.

However…

It also means I have been able to keep all kinds of things that we really don’t need, really could pass on to someone else.  Some things have sentimental value, passed down my my late mother, or Keith’s late father, or Keith himself…but perhaps no value beyond that.  Some are outgrown and unused, from a time when my children were younger and had different interests.  Good stuff and not-so-good stuff intermingled in a disorganized mess.

So…we are taking stock and letting go.  The goal is no extra stuff.  Not sure if we will achieve this rather lofty goal, but there it is.

I have come to realize, though, that, in God’s economy, there is no extra stuff.

This widow journey is long and fraught with hard stuff.  Just now, my stresses are money-oriented.  I long for Keith’s “boy brain” to muddle through some of the decisions that my “girl brain” has a hard time with!

But this is merely the tip of the iceberg.  I could present a diatribe about all the stuff I go through.  You may be able to guess at some of it, but until you are there, you really don’t know.  I know I didn’t.  Even now, five years later, stuff still crops up that hits me like a ton of bricks.

But…it didn’t hit God like a ton of bricks.

He knew everything that was going to happen to me on this widow journey…on this coming day…at the time of my formation (Psalm 139:16).

He knew that I would struggle…and fail…in certain areas and would succeed in others…and He let me go through the areas so that I could (1 Corinthians 10:12-14; Romans 3:23).

He knew that, though it is hard, hard, hard some days, good would come of all that has happened and is happening to us (Romans 8:28).

And He knew what outcome would happen…what all this would bring about in my life and the lives of those who know me…and even those who know of me.

And I pray that what they see…and what I see when I look in the mirror…is not some silly creature who makes a lot of mistakes, who worries about too much, who is very grounded in the world and its workings.

I pray they don’t see the stuff I am swamped by…but…instead…see the Lord.

That makes it all worth it…for me and whomever comes after me!

My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. – Job 42:5

Who Do You Love?

joyouschild Doing it on My Own, Faithwalk, Loving Again ,

In one of my favorite movies, Facing the Giants (http://www.facingthegiants.com/), the main female character, Brooke Taylor, after realizing that she is not going to be able to have kids, promises the Lord to always love Him in spite of this.  It is a moving and wonderful scene…and right after that in the movie, big things start to happen, so I won’t spoil it if you have not seen it.

When I was single the first time, I longed for two things…for a husband here on earth…and for the ability to say the same thing…that God was fully enough for me as a Husband.

It was an odd place of dichotomy, but I think fairly typical to many deep places in the Christian life.

It finally happened one year at Valentine’s Day.  After praying and studying hard on the subject…real work involved here…I was finally able to say that God was completely and fully enough for me, even if no earthly husband ever came into my life.  What a freeing moment that was!  Praise Him for leading me faithfully to that point.

This begs the question…where am I in my second singleness?  Have I achieved this same peace and joy with God alone as my Husband and the Love of My Life.

Uh…no…wish I could say it was so…but…no…not fully.

I loved being married to Keith and we had a good marriage.  There’s a lot about it that I miss.  Having a flesh-and-blood husband is very comforting and strengthening on many levels:  someone to hold me, someone to help me, someone to share with me.

God is there always…I know that as clearly as I know there is air all around me.  But, He cannot take someone to guitar for me, or wash dishes for me, or physically hold me when I cry.

On the other hand…

  •  I have the unique opportunity to be able to pick up and go any time, anywhere, without regard for vacation schedules or days off.
  • I can manage on the fly a bit better, changing the plans to fit our needs and things that pop up better.  That certainly did not happen married to my sweet-but-structured husband.
  • I can stay up with a girlfriend, listening to her problems and concerns and not take time from a hubby.
  • I can serve cookies for dinner (yep, I have) and leave the folded clothes on the other side of the bed until morning.

So…I will wait on Him…wait for that feeling that He is enough…wait in this limbo that singleness necessarily creates…wait for Him to fill me as no other.

John Waller has a wonderful song that was in the movie Fireproof (http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/) called While I’m Waiting (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6X71sXagUY).  Here are the lyrics:

I‘m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it’s not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I’ll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting

Amen and amen!  God’s got it.  I don’t need to worry about it.  He will tell me when the waiting is over…whatever form that may take.  And it will be glorious!

Even youths grow tired and weary,and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lordwill renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint. – Isaiah 40:30-31

A Clean House

joyouschild Faith Community, Faithwalk, On the Inside ,

Yesterday was the big winter cleaning of our house.  You can probably hear my boys groan from there.  They have good reason for groaning.

It is usually a painful day…for a very good reason.

I will never win any housekeeping awards.

I have the best intentions, but…

Life gets in the way.  Homeschooling, my activities, the boys’ activities, sports, travel…many things are more exciting and enjoyable, to our way of thinking, than cleaning the house.

Oh, we fake a good game.

If you have been over, you may not realize just how messy we really are.  There’s a reason for that, too.  We tend to clean the main floor only, and only do cursory cleaning anywhere else.  (By the way, don’t try to go up the stairs to my bedroom without an invitation…I might have to tackle you!)

Aren’t we like that with our faith, too?

We put up a front…pretending we are fine, clean on the inside and out, while really we are stressed and hurting.  We stumble along, ignoring the relief that could be ours in the form of friends who sincerely desire help us…all in the name of appearances.

A different kind of white-washed tomb…but just as deadly, to my way of thinking.

Aren’t we called to be here to share in community?  Do we think all our friends are perfect, with no problems?  Don’t we want to assist them with whatever is going on?  Don’t we get joy from helping them?

Didn’t Jesus accept from others all the time, as an itinerant preacher, even as He gave?

I tell you the truth…one of the best parts of this widow-walk is the closeness that comes from needing others.  I have learned, albeit painfully, that no man (or woman) is an island…nor should they be.

There is a divine dependence that comes from walking this walk…and it truly is a beautiful thing.

There is no way on God’s green earth that I can do all the stuff I need to do on my own.  And in that statement, I am freed from trying…from trying to be perfect, from trying to be all things to all people, from trying to walk alone.

And that’s a truth I need to remember each and every day.

“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” — John 15:4-5

Thank You, Lord (A Poem)

joyouschild Faith Community, Faithwalk, Praising God ,

Beside my bed I kneel and pray
And thank You, Lord, for another day.
For friends and family near and dear
And knowing You are always here
To guide me, love me, hold my hand
And to always understand
Even when I am pouty and sad
Or I am having the worst day I have had
I remember Your love and constant care
And then I have not only enough for me but also to share
With my boys, my church, my community
And all those who have blessed me
Forever I will remember Your love
From now until I go above
To the world that is waiting beyond for me
Because You were willing to die on a tree.

The Glory in the Morning

joyouschild Faithwalk, Praising God

Tuesday was just a glorious day for walking!  The sun was shining, the birds were singing!  We were having one of those Virginia midwinter days that hit the 70’s.  A wonderful reminder and promise of the coming spring!

I love when these days hit, and we seem to get a few each winter–contrasting with our normal weather of darkness and gloom, bluster and rain, and even cold and snow.  Everyone around seems to smile just a bit more, basking in that pre-spring glow.

A promise of the warm weather to come.

Isn’t it the same with God?

In the darkest times of my life, when I have felt broken to pieces and lying in a heap on the floor, ready for the dustbin, He gives me reminders that He is there, that He cares, that one season leads naturally into another.

A long time ago, 1990 to be exact, I was leading a life that was very far from God.  Then I was introduced to some wonderful Christian people, and decided to get my life together and to walk with Him.  I met with the minister of our church to discuss my baptism.  We met in a local restaurant for coffee, sitting for a couple hours in discussion.  Our waitress was diligent during our entire visit…carefully filling and refilling our coffee cups…and probably catching snippets of our conversation as she was in and out of our area.

It came time to leave.  Our sweet minister Dale and I prayed and then asked for the check.  Our waitress came over and proceeded to hand us bits of paper instead of a check.  “Merry Christmas,” she said, not understanding fully what was going on, perhaps not being a believer herself, but recognizing that things of God were happening right there in front of her, and reacting, prompted I am sure by the Lord to respond.  Our endless cups of coffee cost us nothing…and may have even cost her a bit.

We were surprised, of course.  Dale said, “I’ve never had anything like this happen before!”  I just smiled, even then.  God was talking to me through this sweet and attentive waitress, a promise of things to come in my life with Him, and I recognized it as such.

Thus began my life with the Lord.  He’s always there, whether I see Him working or not.  And…when I need those reminders the most…like the warm spring days in the middle of a Virginia winter, He reminds me that He is and always will be.

Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones,
And give thanks to His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,

But a shout of joy comes in the morning. — Psalm 30:4-5

Treasuring in My Heart, Part 3

joyouschild Doing it on My Own, Faithwalk, Praising God

Today was baptism day for my sweet Jackson!  It was glorious!  These are the moments that make this mom proud…bring tears to my eyes…provide me with great joy…and make me miss Keith.  Joy and pain…happiness and sorrow.  That is the stuff life is made of.  Praise God that we have ridden the roller coaster of this world with our hands up and our hearts open!

Jackson boldly stepped forward for Christ, and was baptized into Him by our sweet minister, Mike.

And therein lies my last segment of this story.

In our church, it is typical for the dads to baptize their children.  It is a wonderful tradition, the passing of the baton of life with Christ in a blood family, and is very moving.  For us, it presents a quandary.

But, like all quandaries, the solution can be a joyous opportunity.

My boys have the opportunity to choose who baptizes them.  They do not take this lightly, but instead pray over whom they want to immerse them.  And both Matthew and Jackson have chosen well.

Matthew chose my self-proclaimed “little brother” in the church, Dave.  He is the uncle who wrestles with them, is ready to kick their behinds or have a talk with them if I need it done.  This bond was already there with my boys, but has only grown stronger since baptizing Matthew.  I guess the best thing I can liken it to what the godfather is intended to be in the life a child…Dave has invested himself in Matthew spiritually, and the dividends to both of them have been beautiful to see.  Praise God for His provision!

Jackson knew he would have the same choice, and had been thinking and praying about it almost as long as he had been pondering the question of baptism in his heart.  After careful consideration, he decided he wanted our minister, Mike, to baptize him.  All my boys have been blessed to spend a lot of time with Mike and his wife Linda.  Mike was present for the births of all but Alex, supporting us and reporting the joyous news to the congregation.  Mike sat with me at the hospital when Keith had his heart catheterization eight months before he passed away.  Ironically, that day we talked about baptism.

Since Keith’s death, Mike has often watched the boys for me so that I could attend ladies’ functions at church.  He gamely played paper airplanes, Legos, Wii, and anything else the boys wanted.  He has come to soccer and baseball games each season, often accompanied by Linda.  Together, they love and support my boys, getting nearly as teary as I do as we watch them grow into men.  And I know that the relationship will be there always.  Provision again!

I am blessed beyond measure to have so many fine Christian men speaking into the lives of my boys.  These men have taken on the task with the same gusto that they have used with their own children.  I have no worries about my boys learning to be the men God intends them to be.  They have many wonderful examples…the list is too long to mention.

Today, I was overcome by the beauty of the day, the beauty of friends who have constantly loved and supported us over the past five years.  God’s church as it is supposed to be!  I cried, but not an inordinate amount.  The boys were pretty proud of me for that.

In a few years, Tanner will face the same decisions…for Christ and for whom shall immerse him.  That will be just as glorious a day as this.  He might even choose his brother Alex.  Just the thought of that makes me smile. 

He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. – Titus 3:5b-7

Treasuring in My Heart – Part 2

joyouschild Faithwalk, Griefwork

When Matthew was baptized about a year after Keith died, many people said to me, “I’m sure Keith is here watching today.”  I agree:  if it is possible, he was.

But therein lies the issue.  What can we really see from Heaven?  What is the relationship between this place and that?

As you may imagine, I have speculated a lot on that.

I say speculated because I have no clear evidence of exactly how it all works.  God did not give us a blueprint of Heaven in the Bible.

The Bible clearly tells us that angels are separate creatures from us (see Psalm 8), so I don’t hold to the “guardian angel” belief (see also Psalm 91).  The Bible also says there is no pain or sorrow in Heaven (Revelation 21:4), so I wonder how much of this place a new creature in Heaven could take seeing.  Wouldn’t he miss us?  Wouldn’t he long for life here with us?  It boggles the mind to think about how that could work!

On the other hand, the Bible also tells us in Hebrews 11-12 that we have a great cloud of witnesses who watch us and cheer for us when we do well.

What does it all mean?  How am I going to take something as complex as Heaven and put it into terms that I can understand?  How can I explain it to my children?  We are trying to understand something that is so much bigger and more complex than we are that we cannot hope to fully understand.  Like an ant trying to describe the universe.  Like a 2-dimensional creature trying to explain a 3-dimensional world.  Can’t be adequately done.

Bottom line is that I can only speak to what I think and feel.  And…as long as it is not contrary to Scripture, I don’t see that there is a problem with it. We are all speculating anyway.

So here are a couple thoughts on the subject.

I feel like the glory of Heaven, the end of the story (or the beginning, depending on how you look at it) so far outweighs anything here that this place cannot possibly make a creature of Heaven sad…God or our loved ones.

My dad’s favorite phrase to me when some teenage “calamity” hit my life that had me totally stressed out, was “Who will know in 20 years?”  And, usually, within a few days, whatever I had considered something I would never get over, I had totally forgotten.  Perhaps the scheme of time for eternity makes anything and everything we go through here fall into that category.  Our loved ones can look at it the same way my dad did…as no big deal in the grand scheme of things.

So…as I ponder my sweet boy’s baptism tomorrow, and the inevitable comments about Keith’s being present, I can say a few things with certainty:

…there will be rejoicing in heaven;
…my wonderful friends and family in Christ will rejoice with me here on earth;
…I will be thinking of Keith, wishing he could be here to hold my hand and watch with me;

…and I will cry…tears of sorrow mingled with tears of great joy…the best kind of  tears.

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. – Nehemiah 8:10b