Year: 2013

Showing It

joyouschild Raising Kids Alone, Widow Walk

This week, one of our teen bands led worship.  In that band is my 14-year old son.

We have a lot of musical talent for a fairly small church, especially in our youth.  They always do a phenomenal job, and it gladdens my heart to see them unreservedly serving their Lord in this way.

But the thing that touched me the most this morning was watching my son’s face as he worshiped his Lord even as he played to lead us in worship.

He was singing to his King.  I was crying in the seats.

His face shone with joy as a child of the King.  Beyond his musical talent (which still floors me), his worship was an expression of how much he has learned and is learning to trust the Lord.

For this momma, that is the best thing I can ever see.

I gotta be honest…I have wondered how this widow-walk would affect my boys.  Would they see Him as the Giver of Life or as The One Who Took Daddy?  Would they get that there are plans we can know nothing of here, may never know anything of, even in Heaven?  Or would they turn their backs on the Lord?

They were so young when Keith died!  My oldest, the one acting as one of the lead worshipers today, was not quite 9!

But God, in His infinite mercy, great wisdom, and unlimited caring for us as a family, has shown Himself to be worthy of our praise.  So many prayers answers even as they were barely words on our lips!  So many men ready to jump in and help teach them to be the men of God that Keith and I always dreamed they would be!

As I watched my son through the tears, I was again reminded that God’s got it.  My boys are all learning to love the Lord, and they want to serve Him.  They are all growing in Him each and every day.

They get it that God is God, even on the hard days, the sad days, the bad days.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

And that allows me to raise my arms and my heart in praise as well, worshiping right there with my son.

Amen and amen.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
   come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
   It is He who made us, and we are His; 
we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
– Psalm 100:1-3

Just Another One of Those Days

joyouschild Faithwalk, Grace Again and Again

Last week, it was just another one of those days:

3:39 a.m. – Eight-year old says he can’t sleep and climbs in bed with me.  He rolls around for a bit, can’t fall asleep in my bed, and returns to his own.

4:39 a.m. – Awakened by a horrendous musical sound that I thought was the alarm clock.  Tried to turn off alarm clock only to find it would not go off.  Figured out it was a game on the tablet sitting next to me.  Don’t know why it went off them.

4:40 a.m. – Mistaking the clock setting for 5:00, I decide to get up (yes, I do normally get up that early).

4:50 a.m. – The dog throws up.  The big dog.

5:00 a.m. – Still working on preparing the first cup of coffee when 11-year old comes downstairs.  I shoo him back upstairs.

5:04 a.m. – Go on a hunt for wrapping paper, which I find…along with a large mess in a room that I thought was clean for company tomorrow.

5:05 a.m. – I try to wrap the 8-year old’s birthday presents only to find we have no tape.  Tape hunt begins.

5:10 a.m. – Hear noise from upstairs and go up to shush the two children who are now playing in one’s room.

5:30 a.m. – Hear my alarm going off in my room.  I must have turned it on inadvertently while trying to stop the noise at 4:39.  The beeping makes the dog still in my room start to howl.  The other dog, downstairs, starts to join in the howling.  I rush upstairs before all the boys are up, turn it off, and quiet the dogs.

5:35 a.m. – The 8- and 11-year old ask if they can go to the basement and play.  I figure it is the best alternative and may allow me to salvage my quiet time, so I let them.

5:40 a.m. – The 6-year old wakes up.  Send him downstairs.

5:50 a.m. – I am tired and in need of another cup of coffee.  I still have not done my quiet time, which is the reason I get up this early anyway.

5:59 a.m. – Last child gets up.  Hope of quiet time is dashed for good today.  Start breakfast and the day on a prayer.

I am not making this up.  I couldn’t make up this level of crazy detail.

Yet, that is my life.  Fire to fire to fire.  It can be exhausting, especially on your own.  Especially when all this happens before 6:00 a.m!

But…

These are light and momentary troubles.  I know they are.  They are the results of having a big family and lots of blessings.

The night before, my oldest and I watched The Passion of the Christ http:/www.thepassionofchrist.com/.  Keith and I had started the tradition many years ago to watch it at Easter time.  As painful as that movie is to watch, I find it a good reminder of just what is important in life.  It helps put “those days” into perspective.

Even when “those days” start before the first cup of coffee.

Kids up early?  Thanks, God, that, with our busy schedules, I have “morning people” for children.

Dogs barking and throwing up?  Thanks, God, for the blessing of our dogs, who are an almost constant source of affection and fun, never mind the protection factor.

Kindle going off?  Thanks, God, for the technology that you have given our world, and that we in our family can share it.

And thanks, God, for our nice, warm home, our health, and the blessing of living together as a family in this great country of ours.

Sometimes the best reminder on a stress-filled day is the pictures in my head of Jesus hanging on the cross…for me.

Surely he took up our pain
    and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
    stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.

– Isaiah 53:4-5

The Heat is On!

joyouschild Faithwalk, Joy in the Journey

Well, the dryer is fixed.  New heat element.  New lease on life for it.  Praise God!

As I climb out from under the mountain of clothes (well, not too much of a mountain due to my creative drying around my room), I realize the dryer is drying…better than I remember it!  Clothes are done faster!  (Yes, now the mountain is on my bed to fold.)

Turns out, the lint had been slowly building up, clogging the outtake shoot…and slowly sucking the life and power out of the dryer.  Perhaps that is what caused the overworked heat element to break, perhaps not.  Regardless, it was a problem that needed a solution.

Aren’t I just like my dryer?

I allow the little things to build up, slowly sucking away my energy…and my joy.

Messy rooms and returning phone calls and dishes in the sink and doctors’ appointments and torn pants and shoes ruined and poor math grades and dirty car seats and mouthy boys and uncleaned plates at dinner and jeans outgrown and broken toes and too much TV and soccer practice.

I could go on…and on…and on.  Life is full of little pieces that can easily become annoyances.

And…I must admit, sometimes I let them get to me.  I juggle and juggle my to-do schedule, but find that I just cannot get it all done.  And that makes me grumpy.

Sometimes I can just clean out the lint trap of my mind, scrapping the negative thoughts and grumpiness and moving on.  Sometimes, however, I need to try something new!

Maybe I need a new Bible reading plan or devotion book.  Maybe I need a quiet coffee with a dear girlfriend to put things back in perspective and give me some relaxing laughs for a bit.  Maybe I need my journal and quiet time with the Lord.  Maybe I need a weekend retreat away from the kids and the stresses of single parenting.

Thankfully, I have a loving Savior who will allow my clogs to become known to me…through friends, devotions I have read, or the buzzing in my soul, indicating the load is unbalanced and needs to be reseated before I can continue.

And after I have reset myself and my attitude, I can better appreciate all that I have and all that I am in Christ (by His strength and not my own), and can continue to roll.

And I am made as new as my dryer, ready to (hopefully) do it better!

“…He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” – Revelation 21:4-5

The Spin Cycle

joyouschild Joy in the Journey, Praising God

My dryer is in pieces in my laundry room.  Blech.

The part is on order, and one of my sweet friends will be putting it in for me, but…we are going on Day 11 of no dryer.

Don’t try to come to my bedroom right now.  I would definitely tackle you if you headed up the stairs.  My bedroom looks like something out of the Beverly Hillbillies.

I could wait until the dryer is fixed to wash, but that may mean that we have to climb over clothes to get to the beds.

There has been a great side-effect of this time without a dryer, though.

As I handle each piece of our clothing to hang it individually, I have been aware of God’s provision and blessing to us.

My guys tend to pick t-shirts as souvenirs when we take a trip.  I have had a lovely trip down memory lane, reflecting on all the fun places we have been, all the joy in being together.

We have been truly blessed over the years with the number of hand-me-downs we have.  Clothes in our own family have lasted well to be passed down from boy to boy, but also dear family and friends have passed down many things to us.  Looking at a load of clothes, the number I have actually had to purchase is relatively small…often just socks and underwear.  Huge blessing!

And…we have plenty of clothes to wear.  There are widows around the world, around our nation, who are struggling to put a meal on the table for their families, much less purchase the necessary clothing, and yet…here I am with clothes to spare.  Blessing again!

I would not have noticed all of these blessings, had I not been put in the slightly uncomfortable position of hanging up my clothes to dry.  This light and momentary trouble has brought me closer to God.  Praise Him for that!

In this fast-paced world where we are over-taxed, over-committed, and over-tired, don’t we sometimes need just a few minutes to relax and reflect on our blessings?

I sure am glad over these past couple weeks that I have had a few moments to reflect on mine!

But…I will be glad to have my dryer back.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. – Psalm 34:8

PM

joyouschild Faithwalk, Priorities

4:19 a.m.

In my dream, I hear a coach’s whistle.

I open my eyes to the reality.   

Chirp!

Smoke detector low battery indicator.

Why don’t these things ever happen during the daytime?!

I find the offending detector, and even more amazing, a replacement 9V battery.  Without raiding a remote control airplane or the like.

I wake up my teenager (of course, it is one of the detectors on the 9 foot ceiling, beyond this momma’s reach), and he stumbles down to replace it, not grumbling too much.

4:26 a.m.  Done.

Crisis averted.  No alarms will start going off, waking the house and perhaps the neighborhood.  (Been there, done that, don’t want to do that again…but that’s another story).

Some days, I feel like all I ever do is put out fires (no pun intended…well, maybe there was).  Something is breaking, something necessary has run out, someone hurts themselves.  I feel like I should buy stock in Calgon, because those “take me away” moments happen so frequently.

As the frustration mounts, some days I boil over.  I let loose the frustration at all the little things color my world, affecting the big things…like my kids.

It is wrong; it is sin.

Right after Keith died, one of the dear men he worked with came over and changed all my smoke detector batteries.  That was the way he wanted to honor his friend and our family.  It was very sweet.

He told me at the time to mark the day on the calendar so that next year I would know what day to replace the batteries.  I gave him lip service, saying I would…but I did not.

Since then, I have had to replace most of the batteries in the same way as described above…waiting for the chirping, then rushing around finding a battery just in time to avert the entire electrically-tied system going off.

Preventative maintenance.  PM, my Marine husband called it.  Necessary in my house.

And necessary for my soul.

When I get to the explosion point over dirty socks, dirty dishes, dirty dogs, the problem is not with them…it is with me.

Have I read my Bible enough?  Have I spent enough quiet time with the Lord?  Have I counted my blessings?

These troubles are going to come.  My life is still going to be my life, filled with many bumps in the road, many distractions, much to do.

It is my attitude toward it that can…and must…change.

And, with the Lord’s help, and plenty of PM, it will.

[Jesus said,] “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

The End of the Story

joyouschild Faithwalk, Grace Again and Again

My almost-8-year-old is a read-the-last-page-of-the-story guy.  I am not quite sure how it happened.  To my way of thinking, that is just wrong.

Except…

Sometimes I peek…not to read the whole page, but just to see if a certain name is mentioned, so I know if that character makes it through whatever their trial is.

Don’t you wish you could do that with the story of your life?  Just take a quick peek to see how things work out?

God has His reasons, I know, for not telling us the end of the story here on earth.  And now I think I know why…or at least have a better understand.

I am a talker.  (You may be surprised at that…not.)  Sometimes, in order to work things out, I like to talk them through out loud.  I used to do it to Keith all the time.

After Keith died, I would still have these out-loud conversations, using the boys as a sounding board in the same way.

But it did not have quite the same results.

I would talk through out loud the planning for a particular day:  Maybe we will get up and run the errands, and then stop for lunch on the way home, and then start school…

The only problem was that the boys would get focused on the wrong part of the story:  Going out to lunch?! We’re going out to lunch?! Yay! Where are we going? Can we go to _____? (Insert boys who are now debating–loudly–the place we are going to for lunch.)

The boys would get totally focused on the wrong part of the story.  They took what was a maybe, a possible plan, and made it into reality–and started putting their own caveats into it.

Maybe that is why God does not give us–does not give me–that peek at the rest of the story.

I would get focused on the things ahead, and not take into consideration the things of now. We are here for a purpose, and if I get caught up in the future too much, then I am not in my present, doing what I need to be doing in my present, putting my own spin on a future that may or may not be in my best interest…instead of trusting a Plan that is perfect.

So…I resolve to work through every page of my life…as it comes…and not worry about the ones that are too far ahead for me to see.  I will get there eventually…in God’s good time, and with His good grace.

And if not…if His plan is not for me to walk the pages here on earth…then I get to the ultimate last page…eternal life with Him in Heaven.

I have already been told how the Big Story ends.

Amen and amen!

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. – Ephesians 2:10 (NASB)

Once a Marine Family, Always a Marine Family

joyouschild Griefwork, Raising Kids Alone

A couple weeks ago, we had the extreme joy of going to the graduation of a dear young man from Basic Training at Parris Island.  Ooorah!

It was also a time of reflection for us as a family.

You see, Keith graduated from Parris Island 35 years ago this May.

We are a Marine family…yet the boys know only bits and pieces of that life, especially the little ones, since Keith retired when I was pregnant with the oldest.  Oh, they have been on base, seen the pageantry at Memorial Day (Keith is buried at Quantico and we are there for the celebration every year), and know quite a few service members, active duty and retired, from church…but they did not live the life.  Neither did I for that long, since we married near the end of Keith’s military career.

But I want them to know.

Patriotism is, to many, an old-fashioned value.  Not so in this family.  Keith proudly served his country, and talked about at least one of the boys following him some day…becoming a third generation Marine.  Maybe after seeing the obstacles, the hardship, and also the honor, courage, and commitment, one of my boys will choose to follow in his footsteps…and step on the yellow footprints.

As we walked around the base, listening to this dear young man’s story of his experience, Keith was constantly in our thoughts.  I had been on Parris Island once with Keith and heard his recounting of the island and the training.  Even nearly 20 years later, he had very strong feelings and memories.  I shared with the boys what I could remember that their dad had said.  I pulled out his boot camp pictures and let them laugh at his bald head and serious expression.  I shared the memory book Keith and I had made together as he neared the end of his military career, recounting the stories and awards.

As we walked through the museum on base, we saw pictures of Marines through time and what they did while at basic, and in their careers.  And I recalled my Marine Corps birthday balls, Keith in his blues, Keith is his Alphas, and in the utilities he wore each day for 20 years.

And when they played the National Anthem and the Marine Corps Hymn, I cried…as I do every time.  Freedom isn’t free, and my husband knew that, respected that, and did something about it.

The last stanza of the Marine Corps Hymn reads:

Here’s health to you and to our Corps
Which we are proud to serve
In many a strife we’ve fought for life
And never lost our nerve;
If the Army and the Navy
Ever look on Heaven’s scenes;
They will find the streets are guarded
By United States Marines.

My Marine is now guarding the streets of glory.  I miss him every day, sometimes every minute.  I am sure that 20 years down the road, no matter what happens, I will miss him.

But, thanks to wonderful experiences like the one we had with our dear friends, my boys will have an understanding of who their dad was, what he did, what was important to him.

And so will I.

And for that I am very, very thankful.

 Sing to God, sing in praise of his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds;
rejoice before him—his name is the Lord.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families,
he leads out the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

– Psalm 68:4-6

 

Phew!

joyouschild Grace Again and Again

The other morning on the way to church, we saw a very common sight for February in Virginia…squashed skunk.

Apparently, these little fellows become amorous this time of year, and during their nocturnal romances, they are so blinded by love that they don’t pay a lick of attention where they are going and wander right out into the road. Poor things! You’re thinking, “Poor us to smell the after effects!”

Um…I have a confession to make. I really enjoy the smell of a dead skunk. My family is scandalized that I would confess such a thing. They think I should be committed. While they are holding their collective breaths until we pass, I am breathing deep, enjoying the odor.

Let me try to explain why I like it. That pungent smell when you stumble upon a skunk is shocking, but to me that is a good thing. I tend to like the shocking, at least when it is shocking me back to my senses…and that one is surely clearing out my sinuses.

Perhaps that is true in my walk with Christ as well.

I am stubborn. (Keith is in Heaven snorting, “Ya think?”) I want to have my own way, and often thwart God’s good gifts and perfect plans by clinging to my own. Oh, I know mine are imperfect. I will be the first to tell you that. But they are familiar, and so at times I stick to them.

I hope I am getting better at this. I really want to be on board with God 100% – 100% of the time.

But I am Balaam in need of a discerning donkey…and an angel in my path. I ignore the planks and the specks, so long as I am going where I think I need to be going.

But, praise Him, God loves me enough to send the holy 2 x 4 to smack me back into place.

The things that cause me to sit up and take notice…are things that I need to take notice of. The pungency seems to be necessary to get it through my thick skull…and maybe my thick nasal passages.

I have learned a lot of lessons in the past 5 1/2 years without Keith. Some of them have been quite painful. Maybe they needed to be that painful…that pungent…for me to get them. Maybe that would be the only way they would make an impression on me.

I don’t feel like this was God picking on me. This was God preparing me…loving me too much to leave me the way I was, following through on His plans for me and my life…and the life of my family.

This is a lesson that I need to remember as each tough situation comes up in the future, be it financial, relational, or spiritual.

How about you?

Praise our God, all peoples,
let the sound of His praise be heard;
He has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For You, God, tested us;
You refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let people ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but You brought us to a place of abundance.

Psalm 66:8-12

Swamped with Stuff

joyouschild Faithwalk

This weekend, we have slated to clean out the storage room in the basement.  More cheers from the boys about this task (well, really, not so much).  It needs to be done, though.

We have a lot of room for storage in our house.  That is both good and bad.  I have been able to, at the boys’ request, keep all Keith’s clothes until they get older and can wear them.  I can also store the myriad of things needed to homeschool…tubs and tubs of books.  I also have my own little consignment shop of the hand-me-downs, ready and waiting as each boy grows.  Great blessings, all of those.

However…

It also means I have been able to keep all kinds of things that we really don’t need, really could pass on to someone else.  Some things have sentimental value, passed down my my late mother, or Keith’s late father, or Keith himself…but perhaps no value beyond that.  Some are outgrown and unused, from a time when my children were younger and had different interests.  Good stuff and not-so-good stuff intermingled in a disorganized mess.

So…we are taking stock and letting go.  The goal is no extra stuff.  Not sure if we will achieve this rather lofty goal, but there it is.

I have come to realize, though, that, in God’s economy, there is no extra stuff.

This widow journey is long and fraught with hard stuff.  Just now, my stresses are money-oriented.  I long for Keith’s “boy brain” to muddle through some of the decisions that my “girl brain” has a hard time with!

But this is merely the tip of the iceberg.  I could present a diatribe about all the stuff I go through.  You may be able to guess at some of it, but until you are there, you really don’t know.  I know I didn’t.  Even now, five years later, stuff still crops up that hits me like a ton of bricks.

But…it didn’t hit God like a ton of bricks.

He knew everything that was going to happen to me on this widow journey…on this coming day…at the time of my formation (Psalm 139:16).

He knew that I would struggle…and fail…in certain areas and would succeed in others…and He let me go through the areas so that I could (1 Corinthians 10:12-14; Romans 3:23).

He knew that, though it is hard, hard, hard some days, good would come of all that has happened and is happening to us (Romans 8:28).

And He knew what outcome would happen…what all this would bring about in my life and the lives of those who know me…and even those who know of me.

And I pray that what they see…and what I see when I look in the mirror…is not some silly creature who makes a lot of mistakes, who worries about too much, who is very grounded in the world and its workings.

I pray they don’t see the stuff I am swamped by…but…instead…see the Lord.

That makes it all worth it…for me and whomever comes after me!

My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. – Job 42:5

Who Do You Love?

joyouschild Doing it on My Own, Faithwalk, Loving Again ,

In one of my favorite movies, Facing the Giants (http://www.facingthegiants.com/), the main female character, Brooke Taylor, after realizing that she is not going to be able to have kids, promises the Lord to always love Him in spite of this.  It is a moving and wonderful scene…and right after that in the movie, big things start to happen, so I won’t spoil it if you have not seen it.

When I was single the first time, I longed for two things…for a husband here on earth…and for the ability to say the same thing…that God was fully enough for me as a Husband.

It was an odd place of dichotomy, but I think fairly typical to many deep places in the Christian life.

It finally happened one year at Valentine’s Day.  After praying and studying hard on the subject…real work involved here…I was finally able to say that God was completely and fully enough for me, even if no earthly husband ever came into my life.  What a freeing moment that was!  Praise Him for leading me faithfully to that point.

This begs the question…where am I in my second singleness?  Have I achieved this same peace and joy with God alone as my Husband and the Love of My Life.

Uh…no…wish I could say it was so…but…no…not fully.

I loved being married to Keith and we had a good marriage.  There’s a lot about it that I miss.  Having a flesh-and-blood husband is very comforting and strengthening on many levels:  someone to hold me, someone to help me, someone to share with me.

God is there always…I know that as clearly as I know there is air all around me.  But, He cannot take someone to guitar for me, or wash dishes for me, or physically hold me when I cry.

On the other hand…

  •  I have the unique opportunity to be able to pick up and go any time, anywhere, without regard for vacation schedules or days off.
  • I can manage on the fly a bit better, changing the plans to fit our needs and things that pop up better.  That certainly did not happen married to my sweet-but-structured husband.
  • I can stay up with a girlfriend, listening to her problems and concerns and not take time from a hubby.
  • I can serve cookies for dinner (yep, I have) and leave the folded clothes on the other side of the bed until morning.

So…I will wait on Him…wait for that feeling that He is enough…wait in this limbo that singleness necessarily creates…wait for Him to fill me as no other.

John Waller has a wonderful song that was in the movie Fireproof (http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/) called While I’m Waiting (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6X71sXagUY).  Here are the lyrics:

I‘m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it’s not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I’ll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting

Amen and amen!  God’s got it.  I don’t need to worry about it.  He will tell me when the waiting is over…whatever form that may take.  And it will be glorious!

Even youths grow tired and weary,and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lordwill renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint. – Isaiah 40:30-31